Witty One-Liners

1.If you are going through hell, keep going.

2.Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

3.Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

4.Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more(friendship or money).

5.You can be sure of going to hell.. your stupidity will assure you of a place!

6.An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

7.Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

8.When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

9.Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

10.Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

11.Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

12.Well done is better than well said.

13.Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

14.They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

15.I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

16.Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

17.I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

18.Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go anywhere!

19.Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away.

20.Drink till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

21.I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

22.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

23.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

24.If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

25.I don't mind where you die.. as long as you do!

26.I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

27.Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

28. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.

29.Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls.

30.Intelligence is not trying.